Tainted Heart
by Diamond Bluebell
Summary: Set in Russia.Kai regets so much about his life that it leads him to do something drastic. oneshot songfic. very angst, very sad


A/N: Don't really know where this idea came from. Guess I was just in a depressed mood, ah well.

Basically this is a songfic set straight after the episode 'Breaking the ice'. Its Kai's pov and its just him thinking about his grandfather and his team etc, and how they have affected his life. Its very angst pretty much all the way.

It's a one-shot but its quite long + its also my first fic so be nice.

Oh yeah, the lyrics are taken from a song called Don't belong by Cold.

Disclaimer: 'don't own beyblade or the song.

****

Tainted Heart

There I stood, outside the gates of Balkov Abbey. My birthplace. It was hard to believe, yet in some ways it also made sense. Now I know why I am what I am.

__

//My mind takes you to where you need to be

Cure for your heartbreak to take away the pain//

I stare down at the beyblade held in my fist. Black Dranzer. The gift of ultimate perfection, but at the cost of my heart. Yet it wasn't actually as perfect as it once seemed to be. 

It was defeated…like me. Or perhaps because of me, I wasn't sure.

But one thing I did know. This was one creation that the Biovolt corporation would never see again.

I had to make sure of that, it was the least I could do to undo the damage I had done whilst under it's control. 

__

//I could describe each mistake for you

Tattoo it on my tainted heart//

I take one last look at the abbey. Then slowly and somewhat hesitantly I begin to walk away, silently vowing never to return. Because I don't belong there.

Though inside I know it's a part of my life that won't easily be forgotten, by anyone. Especially my team-mates, my so-called 'friends'. 

I have to give them credit, they did try, and I appreciated it.

Afterall, it's not their fault that my heart was tainted.

But they never knew. Whenever I was with them, I was just a creature of darkness, exposed in the light, vulnerable and alone.

That's why I was never close to them.

That's why I was so cold.

That's why I ended up hurting them.

And that's why I knew that I would never belong there either.

__

//Well I won't ever tell the world

That I don't belong

Please don't ever tell the world 

That I don't belong

That I don't belong// 

Guilt. It wasn't something I felt very often. But I knew I was feeling it now. Because it hurt.

Just remembering the looks on their faces, (when I emerged in the arena as a member of one of the Demolition Boys.) ~ Bewildered and confused.

And then there was Tyson. When I threw my loyal bitbeast Dranzer at his feet like it was nothing, he just knelt there ~ devastated, there was no other word for it.

Of course I didn't notice at the time. I was too blinded by my own selfishness.

Damn. How could I have been so cruel? And for nothing? 

"I'm so sorry..." I whispered. Though I knew that they wouldn't hear me this time.

But at least I understood now. I understood the pain that they went through because of me.

Maybe that's why my eyes were starting to sting as I slowly walked on.

__

//Can you still feel me or did I slip away

A sick man, a monster, broken still today//

But I am not the only one to blame.

For it was my heartless, sorry excuse for a grandfather Voltaire who started it all.

It's because of him. All those years of pain, torture and abuse. 

He made me what I am. And I am tainted. Scarred for life. And I know I can never shake it off, no matter much I long to.

__

//I can't explain what happens to me

Caught in the game I've always starred//

I'm walking fast now, to nowhere in particular. Ignoring everything around me.

I keep my head up, looking fixedly ahead of me, staring at nothing.

My expression is so blank and emotionless you wouldn't think anything was wrong on the outside. 

(I had a lot of practise with that.)

But I could no longer hide what I was feeling on the inside. My vision had become blurry with tears. And several had spilled over my eyes and dribbled down my cold cheeks. 

But I didn't bother to wipe them away, because it was at that moment that I realised…...

I was trapped…

There was no point in me waiting for a second chance that would never come.

Waiting, fighting out of bitterness. Fighting in the name of a lost cause. 

There was no way out.

I was trapped…

__

//I could describe each mistake for you

Tattoo it on my tainted heart//

I knew that whatever happened, wherever I'd go, **_he _**would be there. Haunting me. I couldn't take it.

It was like some kind of game to him. He's chewed me up and spit me out so many times before. Used me as a puppet for all his selfish desires. 

So who's to say it wouldn't be the last time?

Afterall, I wouldn't be able to fight him off forever. He would always find a way to take advantage of me, whether it is against my will or not.

And the worst part of it was, I knew now that the people I cared about would always be the ones to suffer: The Bladebreakers. 

I could see it all now. I couldn't let it happen…. I wouldn't let it happen…. 

__

//Well I won't ever tell the world

That I don't belong

Please don't ever tell the world

That I don't belong

That I don't belong//

* * * * *

Evening had descended upon the desolate, barreness stretch of land in this frozen, solitary region of Russia, where I now stood at the peak of a waterfall, overlooking the horizon.

Off in the distance, I could still see Lake Baikal. Where I had been earlier today. Where my whole life had changed within the space of a few minutes. 

I remembered the last thing I had said to my team just before I left.

__

"I gotta make things right"

Of course I wasn't sure how at the time. But I meant what I said. And I'll do whatever it takes.

__

//Well I won't ever change my ways

And I can't be strong…

And I don't belong//

I held the depraved blade Black Dranzer in my hand for the last time. I gripped it firmly. 

Then, with all my strength I threw it off the peak on which I stood and watched it descend, disappearing forever amidst the cascading water.

So that was one tool of Biovolt that would never cause anymore suffering ever again.

But at the back of my mind there still hung a feeling of discontent.

Because even though Black Dranzer was no longer a threat, there was one tool of evil 

that still remained…………

…me….

__

//And it's my own shame

I can't break your ways//

* * * * *

Evening soon passed, the sky had been replaced by a long stretch of ebony-blue, coated with millions of sparkling white stars.

Except the atmosphere had become bitterly cold if not freezing. But I wouldn't let that faze me yet as I now stood on the icy bank of a quiet, gentle flowing river. I gazed at the rippling water, illuminated by the light of the moon. I couldn't help but admire this tranquil place despite the fact that the harsh cold that surrounded me was beginning to hurt and the icy air was becoming thin,making it harder to breathe

So I hold my breath.

It was now or never.

__

//Well I won't ever tell the world

That I don't belong//

"I gotta make things right."

Those words still rung in my ears as I stepped into the shallow water. The freezing temperature hits me quite painfully, and suddenly I was reminded of earlier that day, sinking in the icy water of Lake Baikal. Only this time there were no voices calling frantically for me, no outstretched hands welcoming me to safety. I was alone this time.

The only voice I could hear was my own, repeating the last promise I made to my team.

__

To make things right. And I intended to keep that promise. 

__

//Please don't ever tell the world

That I don't belong//

I know this will be hard for them. But they'll just have to understand that it's for the best.

As long as I'm alive I'm a threat to the people I care about. And I would rather die than to have to go through the same ordeal again and again.

Like I said, I was trapped in my grandfather's malicious game. And it would just keep going on and on and would never end until one of us was dead.

So then why? And for what? I'm tired of playing his game. I'm giving up, so I'll be free.

It works on my terms and it won't fall apart like everything else.

Because the truth is…..I am not strong enough. If I had the strength in my heart, maybe I would be happy…

But no. Because of him I am tainted. And I am left with no other option.

The walk to freedom is long. 

And I will have to walk it, as a stranger. Defeated and alone.

__

//That I don't belong//

I lay myself down in the river, allowing the shallow water to flow over me. I ignored the pain I felt and clenched every muscle in my body to stop myself from shivering. The flowing water didn't quite reach my face so I was still able to gaze up at the night sky.

The stars still shone brightly and for a brief moment I managed to see a shooting star.

__

Make a wish… 

I watched as it fluttered and sparkled sadly, like a butterfly in a desert.

__

Make a wish…

I wish that…. Someday, in it's own mixed up, messed up way, the rest of the world will come together…and I will fall away…

__

//Well I won't ever change my ways

And I can't be strong//

Time goes by….

I no longer feel any pain, I no longer feel anything. It took all the strength I had left in me to reach into my pocket and pull out…..Dranzer, the one that I had abandoned yet it stuck by me even through the worst times.

But I promised it this would be the last time as I held it to my chest. _Thankyou._

__

//Please don't ever tell the world 

That I don't belong//

I could no longer move at all now. I would be frozen like this forever.

All was silent except for the steady beat of my tainted heart. I could feel my pulse gradually beginning to slow down. And I knew I was running out of time.

Yet all I could do now was to continue staring blankly, still transfixed by the starlit sky.

Then something happened. The sky above me began to swirl. And suddenly, somehow, I could see…….**_him_**. My grandfather. He was watching me, looking down at me with a look of disgust on his face.

"Well I guess you didn't see this coming did you, grandfather? It looks like your games over, so lets call it a draw. But I'm afraid your plans of world domination will fail. The Bladebreakers will defeat you because you have no power over them. Then it'll be back to the drawing board. Only this time I won't be there as a player for you to take advantage of. And you know what? I bet that someday you'll regret losing your only grandson."

The sky swirls up again, and suddenly his face disappears.

__

//That I don't belong//

More time goes by…

But I lie here and wait. Wait for an absolution. Wait for the nightmare of my life to finally be over.

My vision blurs, and my eyelids start dropping. My pulse slows down even more. I listened as the slow and steady beats got quieter and quieter.

Then suddenly a voice rings through the air. Someone is calling my name.

"Kai!" 

It echoes all around. 

I open my eyes to the sky once more. And I see them, my team-mates, amongst the stars.

They are all there. Tyson, Rei, Max and Kenny. They are all watching me too, and I can see their sad expressions, looking down at me in sorrow, their eyes looking agonised.

"I know this is hard for you to understand. But you can't save me this time, no one can. Instead, I'm going to be the one who saves you from me, from what I have become. I owe you that much.

All I can say is that I'm sorry, for everything, I hope you know that. And please don't feel sad for me. I promised you I would make things right and I won't break my promise. 

This is what I want.

You are the only real friends I've ever had. And you may not realise it, but I actually know you a lot more than you think. As your team captain, I know you are all fully capable of winning the World Championship and bringing down Biovolt once and for all, even if I won't be there…or perhaps because I won't be there.

You've done all you can for me, and I'm grateful for that. So now the time has come for me to return the favour…by disappearing from your lives forever.

It's true, I know, it seems wrong. But the fact is, I never belonged with you. I never have…and I never will. And believe me, you will thank me someday."

The vision of my former team-mates begins to fade away. And as it does, I could've sworn that I saw the saddened expressions on their faces disappear, and then they all waved at me.

I would have responded, but my body was frozen. Instead I lay still, and listened as the final word was spoken. 

"Goodbye…"

Then they were gone.

Once again, I am alone. I could feel the darkness creeping up on me as my eyelids started to close.

And, very faintly, I could still hear the beating of my tainted heart, struggling in it's final moments.

Each beat was slow, prolonged, and seemed to last an eternity. 

But this moment was precious.

I would be gone soon, but at least I was content. I did all that I could. And I know I have sacrificed enough….Now I have nothing left to give….

It's only me now…..

__

//That I don't belong//

* * * * * 

He lay like that for a long time without moving. And as the time went by his features became dark and obscured in the rapidly descending darkness. 

All was still…and all was silent as the minutes passed.

Soon the world was covered in a pitch-black blanket. And when the soft, distant sound of a final heartbeat was heard, and even the stars themselves were hidden by clouds, an unseen, tiny movement was finally made… 

Kai's lips twitching into a faint smile.

THE END

__

~~Well there you go, my first beyblade fic. (Poor Kai *wipes away tear*)

Wasn't too depressing was it? Well if u did manage to read it all I'd like to know what you think so plz review.


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